I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is Oprah even human
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
