Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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