I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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