I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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