You just made me feel so damn special
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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