You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
