Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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