Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
