I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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