u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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