So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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