Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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