I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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