While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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