Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
