saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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