two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
