I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
