my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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