We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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