I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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