now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
