They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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