This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize