I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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