Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
