new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
