Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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