we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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