You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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