I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
