Porn is love you can see.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
