what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
