watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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