I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
