Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
