Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize