I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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