based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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