What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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