Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
