I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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