On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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