I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize