Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
