my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
