I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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