tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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