Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize