Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
