Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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