ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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