Ambien. No doubt about it.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
