my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
