Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
