Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
