smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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