i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
