ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You pole danced in your parka.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
