If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
