I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
