Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
