one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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